Self-Compassion: How to Have It and Keep It
Brene Brown says that “Compassion is a belief system that we have to commit to about how we are going to treat ourselves.” As leaders, all too often you are self-critical and hard on yourself, thinking this is what you need to do to get the job done. You sometimes mistake being competitive and pushing yourself to the extreme as a requirement to be successful. However, this belief is untrue. Self-criticism actually stands in your way of being the best you can be. It makes you face mistakes from an emotional place, possibly making that mistake feel worse than it actually is. So what is the alternative? Self-compassion.
Is it ok to give yourself compassion? Absolutely! Compassion is not an excuse; it is giving yourself permission. Read that again. Compassion is not an excuse, it is giving yourself permission. Though the term self-compassion may feel like a weakness (because that’s what you’ve heard or told yourself), it is actually the secret to strength in the face of failure, the ability to learn from mistakes and to bounce back with gusto. It requires you to be more mindful and understanding that you are a human having a human experience. It’s as simple as that, and although it sounds easier said than done over time it becomes easier and will automatically be done.
So you may be asking what exactly self-compassion does for me as a leader. Self-compassion leads to productivity. When you are motivated by self-compassion, failure does not indicate defeat but becomes a learning opportunity that leads to growth. Self-compassion also leads to decreased stress. Self-criticism elevates stress hormones. It can be so intense that it stops you from learning and being resilient. Through self-compassion, it may activate your biological soothing system which leads to greater feelings of well-being. By having compassion for yourself, you are more likely to be compassionate with your team. How good would it feel to grow, be less stressed, and have a feeling of well-being?
The challenging part about self-compassion is when you keep having the same stories in your head, and you cannot figure out how to stop them from happening. So, how do you remind yourself to be self-compassionate? Try these helpful tips.
A physical reminder. Write a positive affirmation on a sticky note and place it on your computer screen for you to see every day.
A daily alert. Using the reminder app on your phone set a daily alert of “Are you being compassionate in this moment?” Having it set to random times will help you shift your energy and keep you accountable in your work towards self-compassion.
Develop mantras. Come up with easy-to-remember self-compassion phrases to help you in those moments when self-criticism kicks in.
Meditate. Meditation helps you lose the grip you have on yourself and releases those self-critical thoughts and emotions.
When you’re not compassionate, be gentle with yourself about it and know it takes time. It involves learning to relax and allow yourself to move gently towards what scares you. The state of your life and the world around you depends on the state of your mind. Be kind to yourself and remember, Leadership Delta is here to help you.